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6 Reasons That Brunch Sucks

I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it’s important to express unpopular opinions.  I dislike going out to brunch.

There are some exceptions, obviously.  If brunch involves raw oysters; caviar, wee pancakes, and sour cream; smoked fishes; a variety of soft cheeses; chocolate souffles; and cocktails, I can muddle through.

Otherwise, I have the following issues with going out to brunch:

1. I get irritable if when I’m hungry.  I don’t want to wait until noon to eat breakfast if I wake up at 9 am. Certainly, I could have breakfast at 9 am and then brunch at noon, but at that point, I’d rather just get lunch.

2.  I can be wearing pajamas if I eat breakfast at home.  If I go out to brunch, I need to a. put on pants, b. wash my face, c. brush my hair, d. brush my teeth, e. make sure I have my wallet. 

3.  Brunch foods are crazy easy to make.  You can be half asleep and still make good pancakes.  Or eggs.  Making good eggs is not hard.  You could be basically brain dead and still make bacon.  French toast?  Really fucking easy.  And not only really fucking easy, usually takes about ten minutes.  At the very most.  Even things like biscuits, or home fries, or omelets are slightly harder, but not rocket science.  You can make pancakes with sautéed apples and sour cream and a slice of bacon on the side all in a single skillet (not all at the same time). 

4.  Despite the easiness, brunch restaurants often mess up the basic stuff.  Oatmeal at restaurants is generally shitty.  Rarely do they serve steel cut oats, and generally the oats they do serve are gelatinous, or too runny.  Things that are sweet are often too sweet, things that aren’t sweet are often really heavy.  Sometimes I just want some fruit, but the fruit salad is, again, usually shitty.  I don’t want a heap of cut-up pieces of hard honeydew melon, questionably-ripe pineapple, grapes, and apple slices.  Especially if I’ve got a mango waiting for me at home.

5.  Restaurants often fuck up tea.  I don’t really drink coffee.  I drink tea.  I don’t think this should be a big deal, you know?  It’s not like I’m too good to drink regular tea and need to have fancy whole-leaf teas.  My standards aren’t super high.  And this is what serving decent tea requires: some halfway decent tea on hand (and honestly, anything beyond tetley will work for me), boiling water, a means to get the tea and the water to the table in a timely fashion.  Unless a restaurant is exclusively serving lunch, a meal at which people don’t often drink tea, it should be able to figure this out.  This is the worst: waiters that bring a cup of moderately hot water, then check on other tables, see what’s what, then disappear for ten minutes, then come back with the selection of teas for you to choose from.  Or, a variation, waiters that arrive with the mug of water, and then ask you what kind of tea you want, and then disappear for ten minutes before reappearing with the tea.  This is the second worst: the waiter shows up with a small carafe of warm water and a selection of teas.  In both cases the water is no longer hot enough to make tea.  HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP?  And honestly, the period of the day between getting out of bed and having a cup of tea is not an awesome time for me patience-wise. 

6.  At $3.50 a carton (what I paid at the local farmer’s market this weekend), one egg costs 29 cents.  A moderately fancy tea might cost $8.99 a box for 15 teabags, which works out to 60 cents for a cup of tea.  Omelets, french toast, frittatas, muffins, soufflés, oatmeal, all this stuff is really, really cheap to make at home.  And you can make it well. 

In other words, I don’t want to haul myself out of bed, put on real pants, leave the house, get myself to a restaurant, to pay to eat relatively unexciting food that I could make myself, easily, at home. 

Filed under breakfast tea brunch things that are not awesome

  1. vrai-lean-uh posted this